So hold on tight, we’ll muddle through, one day at a time.

I mentioned on Twitter the other day that one of the main reasons I haven’t been posting here much is because I have to be vague about some of the most important things going on in my life right now. I hate being vague. I’m a straightforward person, and being vague sucks.

What I can say is that life has been a roller coaster of emotions over the past four months. Every day I feel different. There are days I feel scared and fear for my safety. There are days when I know I’m doing the right thing, that maybe it’s my destiny to be doing what I’m doing, the thing no one else has done. Some days I feel strong, some days I feel weak and some days my anxiety is way through the roof. I’ve never been so aware of every noise in my neighborhood — doors slamming, cars driving by, dogs barking.

At a recent Jaycees event, our outgoing president was presented with a serving tray with a saying on it that read something to the effect of, “Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass. It’s about learning to dance in the rain.” That message really resonated with me. I feel like it’s a lesson someone has been trying to teach me over and over again. I’m always going to have battles in my life — big, scary ones and smaller, more manageable ones — but I have to continue trying to live my life while fighting those battles. I can’t get tunnel vision, focusing just on the battle and forgetting everything else around me.

So I’m still living my life, one day at a time, and it’s a pretty good life, all things considered. My most recent crowning achievement was winning Crystal Lake Jaycees Rookie of the Year for 2011. It meant a lot to me to be recognized for the volunteer work I’ve done over the past year, and the cash award didn’t hurt either.

Christmas was really nice, too. We spent Christmas Eve with some really dear friends, and the actual holiday was spent with my in-laws. Brian bought me a new guitar (!) and a Kindle, which I can’t seem to get enough of. Thank god our local library lends e-books, or my wallet would be in trouble.

Before I close, I’ve got something very important coming up on Friday morning and I could really use your strong thoughts and prayers between 9 a.m. and 10 a.m. that day.

Happy New Year to you all!

The Greatest Gift

Our month-old sump pump shit the bed. The basement smells like a wet dog. We had to call the cops last night. Brian and I have both been sick. My anxiety is through the roof. The spirit of Christmas is eluding me. And so it would appear that I’m not thankful for much these days.

The truth is, things aren’t always as they seem. Last night Brian and I were talking, and although I’m not a religious person, I told him maybe there’s something to that adage that god never gives us more than we can handle. Maybe all the things we’ve been through in the last few years have happened because we’re strong enough to endure.

I don’t think I could have endured all of these trials without the support of the people in my life. This Christmas season, I’ve been thinking a lot about the definition of family. It’s pretty simple, really. A family member is anyone who cares enough to check in on you from time to time, who wants to celebrate your successes, who wants to laugh with you, who offers a shoulder to cry on when you’re sad. A family member will help dry out your basement at 11 o’clock at night, will pick you up when your car breaks down, will ask your opinion about things, will let you in their house even when the dust bunnies look more like tumbleweeds, will share meals and holidays with you.

I have so many family members these days. I obviously know I have something to do with the life I’ve created, but sometimes it’s crazy to think how many people I’m blessed to have in my life. As someone who never had very many friends as a child, and always questioned her place in her biological family, I feel like my life right now is such a gift. Smelly basement, crazy neighbor and all.

To all my online and offline family members, thank you for giving me the gift of yourselves. You’ve enriched my life in so many ways. Merry Christmas.

On How I Want to Revamp Christmas

Truth: Since this post, I’ve been trying to get it up for Christmas, but it’s not working.

Today I was trying to figure out specifically what my problem is this year and how to solve it. I came up with a couple things.

1. Christmas should be a warm weather holiday. In theory, snow on Christmas is awesome. In reality, cold weather blows. Black ice on the roads while you’re driving around trying to get your shopping done. The fact that you spend a good portion of that trip waiting for the car (and your body) to get to a reasonably warm temperature. Your choice of 30-degree temps with gray, dreary skies, or 10-degree temps with plenty of sun. Trying to look cute in holiday clothes when you’ve gained 10 pounds of winter/holiday weight and have to wear a parka. My point is, Christmas would be so much better in hot weather. I don’t need no stinkin’ Christmas tree, but a holiday pool party sounds amazing.

2. Elimination of all obligatory gifts. Nothing screams “I love you and am happy to have you in my life” more than being forced to buy a gift for a specific day.

3. Mandatory two weeks off from work. I don’t know about you, but I’m pretty much overwhelmed by everything right now. I think everyone who celebrates the holiday should get the week between Christmas and New Year’s off, as well as a week of their choice in December to take care of all things holiday related.

4. A bigger gap between Thanksgiving and Christmas. This time of year is ridiculous. There’s barely a month between Thanksgiving and Christmas, and that’s just not enough time to get everything done and  enjoy the season. I don’t even have children, so I can’t imagine what things are like right now for people with rugrats. I think Christmas in June or August would be perfect (refer to No. 1).

5. Let people spend the holiday with the people they really want to be with. Something that’s bothered me about Christmas for years now is some people’s expectations that you have to spend time with family. I know how that sounds, so let me explain. I love most of my family dearly, but come on — we all have a few people we could take or leave. The ones who aren’t nice, or who manipulate us, or who go out of their way to make us feel small. We avoid them the rest of the year, so why do we have to hang out with them at Christmas? It’s supposed to a fun, wonderful holiday, and here we are miserable we have to be around these assholes. Ugh. The sense of obligation needs to stop. If you don’t ever talk to me except around Christmastime? You’re out.

Are you loving the Christmas season this year? If you could, would you change anything about the holiday?

No.

No, I will not hold your hand all the damn time. It’s important each of us learn to fend for ourselves.

No, I will not let your sourpuss, nitpicky attitude mar something beautiful.

No, I will not always do what you want me to do if it makes you happy and me miserable. Sometimes, yes. But not all the time.

No, I will not let you bully me or my husband or my friends or anyone else I care about. I’m beyond feeling sorry for you and now I’m fighting to (a) win and (b) see you lose.

No, I will not put up all the Christmas decorations this year. When your husband works a shit-ton during December and you’re the one doing all the work, it’s not that awesome. But maybe I’ll put up a little something for the in-laws when they visit.

No, I cannot forgive you right now for the way you made me feel. Forgiveness will come eventually, but I don’t know when that will be. Right now I need time and space.

No, I’m not sorry for often saying no. I’m not a yes woman. Never have been, never will be, and I will never, ever apologize for being me.

Holiday … Celebrate

One of the things I don’t like about my personality is my tendency to obsess. I don’t obsess over anything good — instead, I obsess about things like my husband dying, and how will I pay the mortgage, and who will mow the lawn, and how will I know when to change the furnace filter, and will I kill his fish if he’s dead in the ground and OHMYGODWHATISMYPROBLEM?

Yeah. It’s super. And these days we’ve got this issue looming over our heads, one that is really annoying and a complete pain in the ass and, oh, did I mention one we have no control over? Yeah. Also super. And so, per usual, I have been obsessing like nobody’s business. If ever there were a time to get back on anti-anxiety meds, this would be it.

But today I decided. FUCK IT. There’s not going to be any resolution to the problem I referred to above for at least a few months. In the meantime, I can either work feverishly to give myself more stress-induced headaches and even higher blood pressure — and let’s not forget a heaping helping of insomnia — or I can enjoy the Christmas season. Because folks, I love the Christmas season!

So while I might not be putting up all the decorations this year (um, I’m lazy and Brian works like a fiend in December), I’m going to enjoy the hell out of everything I love about December. I’ll be singing along with Bing and Kenny and Dolly. I’ll be laughing at Kevin McCallister and watching Yogi celebrate his very first Christmas (for about the 25th time). I might even give in and try to like “It’s a Wonderful Life” for once. I’ll be hunting down the Christmas episodes of “Friends” and “Who’s the Boss?” I will drink eggnog and get excited about Christmas cards that arrive in the mail and eat 20 pounds of fudge and try to find the perfect hiding place for Brian’s presents. I’ll sit on the floor in my home office and wrap gifts while listening to the Rockin’ Holidays Radio station on Pandora.

Most of all, I’ll reflect on the year that’s almost come to a close. It was another tough one in some aspects, but so rewarding in others. This year taught me that just when I am about to lose my faith in humanity, the universe has a way of showing up to prove to me how many beautiful people really inhabit the earth. I have beautiful neighbors and beautiful friends and beautiful people I call my family. I have been working on a project through the Jaycees called Share-A-Christmas, and it is positively mind-blowing and humbling how many community members have pitched in to adopt families in need and make donations. We’ve been dealing with a crap economy for a while, and it’s made my heart grow three sizes bigger — and then some — to see how much people will give of themselves in a harsh, uncertain climate.

Happy holidays, everyone! I hope you find love, peace and beauty this season.

Home Again, Home Again, Jiggety Jig

After roughly 2,500 miles and 32 hours in the car, Brian and I made it to Connecticut and back.

Originally we were going to drive to Connecticut for a few days and then up to Maine to see my grandmother, but since she passed away last month, we decided to extend our stay in Connecticut and visit my family in Maine another time. This gave me ample time to visit some of my favorite people.

Me with Great Aunt Ruthie, my maternal grandfather's only sister

Aunt Ruthie had dinner with us on Saturday night — baked cod, lobster, mussels, salad, rice pilaf and roasted squash. With samplings of eggnog and mint ice cream for dessert. Mm mm, good.

Brita and Elli nosh on ice cream at Daniel's Dairy Downtown

On Sunday afternoon we met up with one of my dear high school friends — I still can’t believe I’ve known her 20 years — and her family for brunch and some time at the park. We had brunch at Dev’s on Bank Street, then headed to Daniel’s Dairy Downtown for ice cream (they even sell doggie sundaes!), and finally migrated to Bluff Point State Park to enjoy the beautiful weather.

Winthrop Hall girls back together again!

On Sunday night I decided to book a room at the Mohegan Sun hotel so Brian and I could eat, drink, gamble and be merry with my friends who came to visit me there. I can’t tell you how incredible it was to spend time with Sara (on the left in the picture above) and Patty (on the right). We lived in the same dorm freshman year in college and have been close ever since. It’s not often that I miss living in Connecticut, but it is really hard to be away from the great friends I made there.

We had dinner at SolToro Tequila Grill where I maybe drank more than my fair share of tequila (after having had some whiskey not too long before that) and talked too loud and got SHUSHED by someone who shall remain nameless (SARA!) and my god, I just had so much fun. We capped off the night with some gambling and grape snow cone martinis at Leffingwells. It was just the best time ever with lots of memories I will treasure.

Hanging with Miss Ellie <3 <3 <3

On Tuesday I was fortunate enough to get to spend time with Miss Ellie. Ellie went to high school with my mom and dad, and I’ve known her well since I was about 13. She may not be related to me by blood, but I consider her a member of my family — she is just the best lady, and has loved and supported me through some not-so-hot times in my life.

Brian and I met her at her house, then traveled to Noank for lunch at the Seahorse Restaurant. After lunch we went back to Ellie’s house for some quality gab time. Like I wrote earlier, it is hard for me to be away from people like Ellie. I was definitely sad when we had to leave.

Helen and Mom at BRIDGE

For our final night in town, my mom and Helen — who housed us, fed us and generally took good care of us — took us to BRIDGE, a restaurant on the Connecticut-Rhode Island border. Their menu isn’t huge, but it’s pretty interesting and diverse, offering a variety of vegetarian dishes as well as standard fare. It was a wonderful way to end a wonderful trip. Hopefully it won’t take us so long to make it back there again.

Who's better than this guy?

I have to take a minute to thank Brian for being just about the best husband of all time. He drove me clear across half the country and back, comforted me when I felt sad, helped me to relax when I felt crazy and made me laugh, as usual, more than anyone else can. Brian knows going back to the East Coast stirs up a lot of emotion for me, and I can’t verbalize enough how much his mere presence at my side made me feel calmer. That my mom and Helen love him so much is the icing on the cake.

The Spirit of Giving: A Poll

I have an idea about Christmas gifts this year that I want to bounce off you.

Everyone in my family that I typically exchange gifts with is very fortunate in that they are gainfully employed (or retired with a pension), have a roof over their head, food on their table and a little extra to do fun things from time to time.

The fact is, they’re in the incredibly small minority. So I’ve been thinking that, in the spirit of Christmas, I would make charitable donations this year in their names. I have several ideas about what I want to do, but I want to ask you: If I made a charitable donation in your name instead of buying you a regular gift like I usually do, would you be upset? Or think it’s weird? Or that I’m crazy?

And finally, would you want to choose the charity I donate to in your name? Or would you be OK with me picking the charity?

In Loving Memory

My Gram passed away yesterday.

I’m going to miss her like crazy, but she deserves to be at peace more than anyone I know.

The last time I spoke to her, just a couple weeks ago, she was about to make a peach pie for my dad to celebrate his birthday. She told me a joke she had told the preacher earlier that day. Like always, she told me she loved me and to give her love to Brian.

In her memory, I’ve made a few promises to myself.

I promise not to be too sad for too long. I wish I could have made one last trip to see her, made one last phone call to hear her voice, but it just wasn’t in the cards. She wouldn’t want me to live my days crying over her, and so I won’t … well, probably for a little bit. But I promise to buck up soon and be strong.

I promise to visit Maine and Tennessee as much as I can. While I’m there, I promise to give out all the hugs I can to the people we both love so much.

I promise to keep telling jokes — clean ones and dirty ones — just like she would do if she was still here.

I promise to live my life to its fullest, to do all the things, have all the fun and love, love, love.

Love you, Gram. Forever and ever and ever.

I’m Lovin’ It

I have ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL the things in the world to do today, but you know what? I can’t. I just can’t. I had an insanely busy business trip in Louisville last week, I’ve hit a wall known as burnout, and as much as I’d like to put in 100 percent today … well … not gonna happen.

Instead, I want to share a few things I’ve been loving on lately.

Revenge. There are a few new shows in the fall TV lineup that I’ve come to like (hello, Person of Interest), but one that’s really kept me interested is Revenge. It stars Emily VanCamp of Everwood and Brothers & Sisters fame, and while it seems like the kind of show that just wouldn’t be terribly good, I’m taken by it. Well, except for the casting of Connor Paolo. To me he will always be Serena’s gay little brother in Gossip Girl, and so I’m having a bit of difficulty taking him seriously as some wannabe macho tough-guy type in Revenge. That aside, though, I’m looking forward to how to the rest of the season will unfold.

Faceless Killers. I picked up this book at Carmichael’s Bookstore, touted as Louisville’s oldest independent bookstore. It is a lovely place, from the look and feel of the interior to the selection of books to the tables outside. That I stumbled upon Faceless Killers there was pretty much the icing on the cake. I love mysteries, but I’m very picky about what I like in a way I can’t verbalize very well. This book by Mankell — and, I’m guessing, others in his series — is filling a void left by the Millennium series. I’m about 100 pages in, but it only took roughly five pages to know I’d found a book worth reading.

Cheddar Chili Cornbread Pasta Bake. Run immediately to the grocery store to get the ingredients to make this dish from How Sweet It Is. Don’t walk, don’t skip, RUN. The recipe is so easy and the results? They might not reward your hips and ass, but they’ll perfectly complete a cozy fall evening. I’ve made this twice in the past three weeks and my husband can’t get enough. To quote him, “That’s good eats.”

What have you been loving on lately?

I Need a Favor

For me, one of the biggest drawbacks of being a public blogger is that sometimes I can’t talk about important things happening in my life because of the impact it could have on the people I love.

This is one of those times.

It’s killing me that I can’t write out what’s happening for all of you to read. I — and other people in my life — are facing something scary. Something we never saw coming. Something so twisted and fucked up that I’m not so sure you’d even believe me if I told you. And we’re not sure where it ends, or if it’s ever really going to end. I mean, I’m sure it will end someday, but that could be a long, long time from now.

What I’m asking from you is your support, your positive thoughts, your prayers if that’s your thing. I’ve seen the power of these types of things, and I need to harness that power now perhaps more than I’ve ever needed to in my entire life. I have to believe that good will overcome evil, that light will triumph over darkness, that there is a special kind of hell for a special kind of people.

Over the past few years, I’ve had this feeling that I’m constantly being tested. If it’s not one thing, it’s something else. I get incredibly frustrated wondering what the point is. Is there a reason I’m being put through all of this? I have to believe there is, or else I’d probably be certifiably insane or homicidal at this point. I just wish I could know for certain how everything turns out, know that I’m living through these experiences because I need to learn lessons now for other things I’m going to face later on.