Broken

Not long after I moved to Chicago, I had something of a breakdown. It was more like a nervous breakdown coupled with clinical depression and, aside from my parents’ messy divorce, it was the darkest time of my life.

I know why it happened. I lived in an enormous city full of people with whom I had no history or intimacy. My brother was here, but he’s much older than me, we’ve never been close and he really wasn’t available during that time. Things with Brian, which were so unbelievably fantastic in the beginning, were going downhill and fast. I had left one job I hated for one I hated only slightly less.

I felt really hopeless – unwanted, unloved and uninspired. I started seeing a shrink named Dr. Turner. I was referred to him by the piano teacher I was taking lessons from. I’ve seen a lot of shrinks throughout my life and Dr. Turner was by far the best one. It took a long time — several years — to get myself together and get my head back in the game of life and I’m not sure I would still be here if it hadn’t been for Dr. Turner. It was like, for the first time, someone who didn’t know me very well at all looked at me, saw the real me and liked me anyway. He helped me dissect and understand my family issues, and forced me to realize there’s nothing really wrong with me (aside from a little reverse narcissism).

During the time of my depression, I became really unhealthy. I could eat, but couldn’t keep anything in my stomach due to nerves, so I began losing weight. I got down to 103 pounds. I’m a pretty small person by nature, but it was pretty obvious I wasn’t supposed to be that thin. I slept all the time. I stopped responding to phone calls and e-mails. I cried anywhere and everywhere, and almost lost my job because of it.

At some point, Dr. Turner and I decided I should try antidepressants. Therapy was helping, but I just couldn’t stop the crying and the feelings of hopelessness. I went on Zoloft, which gave me a crazy skin rash on my face, and then Celexa. After being on it for a month or so, I lost the bottle of pills one weekend and had to wait until the following week to get a new prescription. By the time Monday rolled around, I was already suffering from withdrawal. It was bad enough that I decided I’d never take antidepressants again if not being on them made me feel so shitty.

It took a long time for me to get better. I know I’m not the same person I was before my breakdown. I’ve developed anxieties I never had before and I’m always worried I’m going to slip back into a deep depression and never come out of it again. The crying that’s been happening since Brian left the second time would be OK with me if I didn’t think it was all too symptomatic of something I’ve been through before. You have no idea how much I hope it’s temporary, that it goes away in a few days and the happy girl I usually am returns in full form.

Tears and Potatoes

I’m not gonna lie. Somehow Brian being gone this time around is far worse than the first time he left, unless I’ve totally blocked out my feelings from that time. I thought it would be better, easier somehow, since I’d (kind of) gotten used to him being gone those six weeks in September and October, plus he’ll be home for good in December. But it’s not … it really sucks and I am depressed and I’ve got that thing going on where I cry all the time for no reason. It’s fantastic.

Also, my car broke yesterday. Please keep your fingers crossed it’s not the timing belt.

To get my mind off The Crappy this weekend, first I went to pick up my rings from the jewelers. I took them in a few weeks ago to get cleaned and one of them needed a number of prongs replaced. They are so shiny and beautiful right now — the jeweler did an amazing job and for that I am thankful. Even  though there is a lot of money invested in these three rings, it’s the sentimental value that means the most to me.

I also made a lot of food this weekend; my beloved pasta e ceci, oven-roasted chickpeas and a rustic potato chowder. The original chowder recipe is from 101 Cookbooks, but I can no longer find it on the site. Luckily, there are a number of other sites where I was able to find the recipe, like this one.

The chowder isn’t my normal fare — it’s pretty mild for my palate — but the dijon mustard and crumbled bacon really make this dish. It’s warm and hearty and perfect for a cold fall or winter day (or, you know, a 70-degree day like the one we had yesterday), and can be made for both vegetarian and non-vegetarian diets.

Rustic Potato Chowder

8 to 10 slices Smart Bacon (or real bacon if you’re not-veg)
3 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil
2 onions, chopped
3 shallots, chopped
4 cloves garlic, chopped
4 cups diced, unpeeled new potatoes, any color (¼-inch dice)
1 teaspoon salt
1 tablespoon Dijon mustard
4 cups organic milk (low-fat is fine)
1 cup Gruyere cheese, grated
another 1 teaspoon salt
freshly ground pepper
fresh chives and/or chive flowers

Create the base: In a large pot cook the Smart Bacon according to package instructions, until browned and crisp. Cool and chop into small pieces. Set aside.

Add ingredients and simmer: In the same pot over medium-high heat, add the extra-virgin olive oil, onions, shallots, and garlic. Saute for 5 minutes, or until the onions start to get soft.

Add the diced potatoes and teaspoon of salt and saute for about two minutes. Now add the mustard and milk. Bring to a boil, then simmer for about 25 minutes, or until the soup thickens and the potatoes are soft throughout.

Whisk and season: Whisk in the Gruyere cheese, another teaspoon of salt, and a couple pinches of pepper. Garnish with the bacon, fresh chives, and/or chive flowers.

The Final Countdown

Brian left late last night (technically early this morning) to start the second leg of the tour.

Boo.

However, the countdown is on. Only 36 days until he’s home for good!

Hooray!

(How’d I do? Was that more positive? )

End Rant

I do my best writing (IMO) when I’m angry or annoyed or frustrated. Something snaps inside me and my gut instinct is to (a) rant to my husband and then (b) piss and moan about it using my keyboard and mouse.

Yesterday something happened that totally infuriated me. It was something small, but I felt taken advantage of. I wrote a short, ranty blog post about it. A little while after I’d saved the draft, I wondered why I don’t (or can’t … I’m still figuring this out) write as passionately about the good things in life, the things that make me happy and put a smile on my face. Certainly, I am passionate in real life about certain things — Brian, food and TV are right up there — but nothing gets the writing guns blazing like a good old personal injustice.

Maybe it’s time for me to take a step back and look at the underlying cause of this. It’s funny, some people think I’m a natural redhead and comment how my personality matches my hair color. (I wonder what they’d say if they knew I was really a brunette.) But why am I like this? Why do I tend to latch on to the negative things that happen in my life — and life in general — instead of focusing my energy on the incredibly wonderful things in my life? It is so messed up.

Going forward, I’d like to be more positive, on this blog and in real life. It’s a constant struggle, something I’ve dealt with most of my life, but I think I’m getting better at it … slowly. Very slowly. Truthfully, positivity doesn’t lend itself as well to sarcasm and humor, but I think I could give up a little bit of the funny to feel better about myself and my little place in the world.

Angrily Yours

Hi! I’m over here today talking about my anger issues. C’mon and check it out!

Life is Beautiful

Life is beautiful these days.

My husband is home for the week. Last night we took an extra fun trip to Target and moved one of our couches to make way for the Christmas tree. Tonight the Christmas tree goes up so I can get a picture of us for our Christmas card. It’s weird to do everything so early, but I can’t move couches by myself and I can’t wait until mid-December to get started on cards. This is definitely good weird, not bad weird. And it’s taking my mind off the fact Brian won’t be home for Thanksgiving.

Tonight is date night. We will go here. I will have the champignon schnitzel. Spaetzle will also be involved. Mmmm …

The sun shines so brightly in the mornings that it feels like spring until I step outside. I love it. As much as I’d like it to be light out until 9 p.m. every day, I’ll take what I can get.

I went to the doctor yesterday and finally got some meds for this sore throat I’ve had the past week. The diagnosis was either a sinus infection (most likely) or strep (results of the culture are soon to be determined). I feel a little better already today so cross your fingers that the illness will leave my body tout de suite.

Life is beautiful for my friends lately, too, especially for the Hixx. She’s a terrific tour guide with a natural ability to make people laugh — a great combination when starting your own company as Hixx just has. If you live in the Chicagoland area or are planning to visit, please check out her company Web site. She’ll be giving pedway tours starting at the end of the month. They’re a fantastic way to experience Chicago without having to freeze your tookus off in the cold, nasty, winter blech. Find out more about the tours here. Yay, Chicago Elevated!

What’s making your life beautiful these days?

Finally!

I finally got around to posting my pictures from Disney! I spared you from viewing all eleventy billion of them — these are the ones I like best. Hope you enjoy them as much as I do!

Here I am with my mom in front of Everest.

Insanely cute, greedy ducks flocked around us while eating lunch at Animal Kingdom.

My niece and nephew hanging out with Lilo and Stitch.

Expedition Everest! So fun!

Allison lost her first tooth while we were in Disney! It was so awesome to be a part of that, especially when she came running into my room to tell me.

The Tower of Terror -- I was so proud of Allison for riding this (and clenching less than I did while doing so).

Mom and Nolan posing at Disney's Hollywood Studios.

Mom and Allison poolside. The resort we stay at has tons of pools, hot tubs and a lazy river -- I think I almost enjoyed the water more than the theme parks.

The three of us at Mickey's Not-So-Scary Halloween Party in the Magic Kingdom. (Nolan was plotting his escape.)

Cinderella Castle by night

The first float in the Halloween parade.

I could almost get into Halloween if I had that woman's costume.

One of my favorite parts of the Disney experience -- fireworks!

The wonky alarm clock in my room that read the same time all day, every day.

The prettiest Disney princess ever.

Seriously, she could have Cinderella's job in about 15 years.

Who knew Prince Charming had a receding hairline? So much for happy endings.

One big happy (I'm smiling! Really!) family at the Grand Floridian.

Non-Nuclear

Greeting card companies, it’s time to get in the game.

Last night while doing the dreaded weekly grocery shopping, I wanted to pick up two birthday cards. Jewel-Osco, my local grocery store, sells mostly American Greetings cards. There’s a pretty decent selection, but I ran into the same problem I run into regularly throughout the year — almost all the birthday cards were grouped into categories like “Mom,” “Dad,” “Brother,” “Sister,” “Grandmother” and “Grandfather.”

I have a mom, dad, brother and grandmother, but I also come from a nontraditional, non-nuclear family. The cards I wanted to buy were for my sister-in-law and my mom’s girlfriend’s youngest son. I didn’t want to buy a card from the “Sister” section because the card was for my sister-IN-LAW. I didn’t want to buy a card from the “Brother” section because Clark is sort of like a brother, but more like a friend I don’t see very often.

Hallmark has done an OK job of trying to include cards for people who are special to you, but who aren’t biologically or legally related to you. However, it would be great if all the greeting card companies — and people in general — would recognize and honor the fact that the days of the nuclear family are over. When I go to the store to buy my mom’s girlfriend a birthday card, I’d like to have some more options because she’s not technically my mother and she’s not my mother’s male companion. She’s my mom’s girlfriend. I don’t want to spend 20 minutes digging around in the generic card section trying to find something that’s halfway appropriate.

So, greeting card peeps, consider yourselves on notice.

Also, I’d like to know what you think. Do you have issues trying to find appropriate greeting cards for the people close to you? Do you still send greeting cards?

Last Night

A few observations from my evening in Chicago with ICP and Hed PE:

Brian made the show so loud that the urine in my bladder vibrated.

A venue will take on a lovely odor if you spray enough root beer into the crowd. (Below is a photo of just a few of the soda boxes found backstage.)

If you’re going to repeatedly say “God bless you” and deliver some shtick about how we’re all family, don’t then (in the same breath) make comments about women in the crowd and how your girlfriend swallows because your wife doesn’t. Especially when you’re 47 years old. It just makes you sound like a hypocritical asshole.

I have never been that stone cold sober at a show before. Also, I have never felt so old.

The CTA hasn’t changed one bit, for better or for worse.

Large venues should have their will-call area marked a little better so crew members don’t have to leave their jobs to escort their wives inside.

Congress Theater? Do you think you could maybe hire a cleaning service? Sometime before this century ends?

Even though the theater isn’t even remotely what I’d call clean, it is an awesome piece of architecture. It has a bunch of levels and everywhere you go, you find old, dusty relics of the past. Just don’t go into the basement. It’s scary down there.

The music industry is all about six degrees of separation. Possibly four.

I don’t ever want to do what Brian does for a living. It is a lot of hard physical labor, dealing with difficult situations and having to put up with the same incredibly loud show over and over and over again.

And also? Living on a tour bus kind of sucks. Especially a dirty tour bus. Where root beer pools in the luggage area.

It’s nice to have a lady friend to shoot the shit with while both of your SOs are wrapping up cable and pushing boxes around.

I can’t say I’ll ever be a huge fan of ICP’s music, but man, they put on a good show. Worth checking out just for the sets and costumes alone. But a word to the wise, don’t bother wearing nice clothes to the show and make sure you bring earplugs.

CPD was out in full force last night, both at the venue and on the streets. With cops, I never know whether to feel safe or like I wanna pee myself.

I think my show-going days are over. These days I prefer to hang out in my living room. Away from young girls who need their boyfriends to hold them up and away from young boys who need to be carried out by their friends.

Clowning Around

Hi everyone!

So, I really want to do a post on my Disney World vacation (a seriously great vacation — what could be better than experiencing Disney through the eyes of my darling 5-year-old niece?) with pictures and observations and all that. And of course, I want to tell you all how wonderful it is to have my husband home even if it’s only for a few days.

But the truth is? Vacation sucked it all out of me. My get-up-and-go got up and went somewhere and I have yet to find it. I’ve been a walking zombie since I got back, sleeping away most of my weekend and being unable to sleep the past two nights because I jacked up my internal schedule. My throat is a little sore in the mornings and I just don’t have my usual zip.

Whine, whine, whine. Complain, complain, complain.

Anyway. Brian came home last night and will be here through Wednesday afternoon. He’ll come back Sunday for four or five days and then be gone until about December 12. Last night, naturally, I devoted all my time to him, catching up on the past six weeks (!), going out to dinner and investing in some serious snuggle time.

Tonight I’m going to the the Congress Theater to see Insane Clown Posse, the band Brian’s touring with, since I’ve never seen one of their shows. Brian says their act is really entertaining and, since I get to sit in the sound booth with him, I should be able to avoid getting drenched with the Faygo the clowns spray all over the audience (keep your fingers crossed).

That’s about all I’ve got for now. I hope to have a Disney post up toward the end of the week. I’m also hoping to starting reading and commenting on your blogs again very soon. In the meantime, how have you been? What did I miss while I was away?